After Afghanistan
by Dicsi
Summary: After Afghanistan, her invitation to join the Atlantis expedition had been his savior.
_A/N: Something I wrote as a writing exercise for a course I'm taking. It somehow turned out into this SGA one-shot. It is however unbeta'ed. Still thought I'd share it with you all. Hope you like it!_

 **After Afghanistan**

It's no use to run anymore. Her curly, brown hair and green eyes. The dimples that formed in her cheeks when she smiled. The freckles that popped up on her nose after she'd been in the sun. The flowery smell of her perfume when she walked past him...

He smiled to himself. It made him feel _something_. Like he finally cared about something – or rather _someone_ \- again. The last couple of years he'd just been an air force pilot with no family. He'd had nothing to lose when he went on this mission to another galaxy. Nothing to leave behind. The Atlantis mission came on his path right after he'd been to Afghanistan. He'd survived and gotten back home to California. Physically he'd been fine when he returned, but mentally he'd been shattered. He'd lost some of his men back there. Men from his team. Good friends. Brothers even. The closest thing to a family he'd had in a long time. And they had died under his command. After three years he still relived the moment where everything went wrong. It had been an ambush. They'd been lured to an abandoned house and had walked right into the enemies trap.

He remembered the spark leave sgt. Martin's eyes while he held him as he died.

After Afghanistan he'd completely shut down emotionally. He couldn't afford to care about someone again. Too afraid to lose that person. Too afraid to get hurt after he finally gotten himself somewhat together again. He'd gotten posted on Antarctica afterwards. A way to 'rehabilitate' the air force psychiatrist had called it. He'd been flying visitors from the airport on the mainland to a small research centre on the cold, icy land. He actually enjoyed it. The visitors came and went and the contact was always short lived. He brought them to their cold destination and afterwards returned them to the airport again. He would make some comments about the scenery and point out the occasional polar bear if he spotted one. Flying fulfilled a sense of freedom for him. It still did. He enjoyed the solitude of his work. To be part of the greatness of nature in a potentially deadly place like the Antarctic. Here he was part of the elements, far away from the troubles of society. From the troubles people had caused each other. Physically he'd no confrontation with all darkness of the world. The white snow and ice even covering the dirt that was underneath. But at night he could still feel the shadow of Afghanistan killing him inside. Just like it had killed his comrades. He still saw their faces in his sleep.

When he'd first met her, she'd just been another passenger on his plane. Alongside a group of scientists he had to fly to the research centre. That was the first time he'd seen her, he remembered. They hadn't spoken besides from polite goodbyes when they'd arrived at their destination. Like he always did. He hadn't really taken notice then, but he had remembered her face. She'd been seated behind him, right in view of his rear mirror. He remembered her looking at the scenery below in awe, her bright eyes sparkling with delight. Back then he didn't know that meeting this woman would mean a turning point in his life. She'd just been another passenger on his plane.

He didn't know that a couple of days later that same woman would be the one to invite him along on her expedition to the lost city of Atlantis. That he without hesitation would join her on the greatest adventure of his life. That he would become her right hand and soundboard when having to make hard decisions as a leader. And that her invitation would become his savior.

On Atlantis the shadow of Afghanistan faded more and more. He wouldn't forget about it, he never would, but the dreams started coming less frequently.

He felt needed again. Cared for. Not only by her, but also by the rest of Atlantis' inhabitants. Heck, even by Atlantis itself. They all were in this together. With no way back. Atlantis had become his home the first moment he'd set foot in the gateroom. The city reacting to his very presence. And for the first time in years, he started to let himself _care_ again. Wanting to do everything to protect it.

Technically she was his boss. But to him, she was so much more. They'd become close friends over the last three years. Grown to trust each other. And after all they'd been through, they'd made it a habit to seek each other out after a crisis. Asking each other if they were okay. Sometimes by asking the question out loud. Other times only by looking at each other. The small smile she gave him a couple of hours ago was enough for him to know that she actually _was_ fine. He had smiled back at her reassuringly, holding her gaze for a moment, to let her know he was okay too. But still… right now he needed to tell her in person how he felt. Not just that he was alright after the last crisis. But that his whole life had changed for the better after meeting her. She'd given him a family again. A place where he felt like he belonged.

No, he couldn't run away anymore. That was why he was standing in front of her quarters at 11pm. He'd always kept a distance between them and never came to her quarters much. But now he had finally mustered up the courage to come here. To tell her in private what he wanted her to know. It had taken him long enough.

John let out a nervous sigh and knocked on Elizabeth's door.

Let's do this.


End file.
